Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons Read online

  Copyright ©2017 by Tara Laskowski

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express permission of the publisher or author.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Laskowski, Tara, author.

  Title: Modern manners for your inner demons / Tara Laskowski.

  Description: Revised and expanded edition. | Sante Fe, NM : Santa Fe Writer’s Project, 2017. | Series: SFWP literary awards

  Identifiers: LCCN 2016028265 | ISBN 9781939650627 (softcover)

  Subjects: | BISAC: FICTION / Humorous.

  Classification: LCC PS3612.A857 A6 2017 | DDC 813/.6—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016028265

  Published by SFWP

  369 Montezuma Ave. #350

  Santa Fe, NM 87501

  (505) 428-9045

  www.sfwp.com

  Find the author at www.taralaskowski.com

  For Art and Dashiell, always

  THE ETIQUETTE OF…

  Adultery

  Obesity

  Infertility

  Eloping

  Homicide

  Arson

  Gossip

  Discrimination

  Voyeurism

  Illiteracy

  Insomnia

  Dementia

  THE ETIQUETTE OF ADULTERY

  VI. On Hotel Rooms

  It is considered improper to answer the hotel phone when you are staying with him during his out-of-town work conferences. He may remind you of this, bleary-eyed at 6 a.m. on his way to a meeting, and you should nod, hold your tongue, and try not to start a fight because now is not the time for it.

  After he leaves, get up and fish your panties from under the night-stand, pull on a tank top and partially open the blackout curtains. That will give you some light and some perspective. Smoke a cigarette or two and put the butts out in his coffee from last night. Turn up the heat, because it’s cold in here and the Ramada is paying for it.

  If the phone does ring, an annoying blaring sound, then pause and consider answering it. Picture the one photo you saw of her in his wallet a few months ago with her wavy dirty blond hair and smart little Tina Fey glasses. (Who still keeps pictures in their wallet anyway? See entry on iPhones.) Feel the thump thump in your chest, the heat that rises whenever you’re about to do something naughty, and then answer it, your voice rising in a question. Don’t be disappointed when it’s just the front desk inquiring about a credit card charge, and don’t be depressed when they call you “Mrs.”

  From Glossary of Terms

  Pinkerson: A violent, disruptive act, usually the result of a fight, that goes beyond the normal reaction of anger. Origin—Peg and Marty Pinkerson, circa 1985, the neighbors across the street whose fights were so entertaining to you and your brother that you would’ve sold tickets if you could, fights that usually climaxed with one or the other Pinkerson opening a window and throwing out drawers full of nighties or dress shirts, or plowing a front tire through the tulips, or, just once, cocking a hunting rifle and promising to blow down the basement door if it didn’t open by the count of ten. Colloquial use, native to you and your brother; e.g., “Dad pulled a Pinkerson last night when he threatened mom with her sewing scissors.”

  IV. On Comparisons

  Never say, “Am I better in bed than your wife?” Instead, try, “God, you are so hot I could have sex with you three or four times a day.”

  Don’t say, “Do I cook better than she does?” Try, “Once I had this boyfriend in college who loved French cooking so much I took a class in it just to be able to make him special meals all the time.” (Even though you actually only bought a French cookbook and got frustrated when you wanted to make cassoulet and couldn’t figure out where to buy duck fat. And even though said boyfriend really enjoyed going out more than staying in, which later you suspected was because he hated your cat.)

  Always imagine the wife as the “other woman,” and always imagine her wearing pleated pants and white nurse sneakers, snoring, and unable to throw a baseball properly.

  Index — Songs for the Mourning After

  Alesana, “Congratulations, I Hate You”

  Evans, Sara, “When You Were Cheating”

  Limp Bizkit, “Break Stuff”

  Reddy, Helen, “I Am Woman”

  Sugarland, “Stay”

  Traditional Polish Polka, “In Heaven There Is No Beer”

  IX. On Holidays

  When children are in the picture (and even when they aren’t), it is a generally accepted practice that he will not spend any holidays with you. It is considered desperate to drive past his house on Christmas Eve, and even more so to park a few houses down the street and watch his kids build a snowman in the backyard.

  If you are lucky enough not to be born on a holiday or in the general vicinity of a holiday, then he might be with you on your birthday (see Appendix B: Lavish Gifts and Sexy Lingerie), but you will never be able to spend his birthday with him unless he travels a lot for his job.

  None of this matters much for Memorial Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and hell, even Christmas. But on New Year’s Eve, when everyone else at the party your friend dragged you to is pairing off to smooch at midnight, closely examine an imaginary stain on your designer jeans and drink your champagne quickly. Toss back your hair and tell yourself next year will be different.

  Properly Setting the Table

  Men and women should always be seated alternately around the table, unless you are having dinner with your parents, in which case it would be best to sit him next to your father, not your mother, who would start staring at the mole on the side of his neck and asking leading questions.

  Prep him beforehand with easy conversation topics such as the weather, the N.Y. Giants, late-night television, how often one should get a car wash, why your father should’ve taken that job in Toledo when he had the chance, why your mother is glad he didn’t because it meant they had you, and the shame the mayor should have on himself for the condition of the roads these days. Avoid talking about religion, the Pinkersons, and the way that your father flinches when his back twists a certain way.

  Use the outside knife and fork for the appetizer, and then simply work inwards for each subsequent course. The golden rule is Always Work from the Outside In. Remember this when your mother compliments you on your sweater, because when he gets up to use the bathroom she will tell you it looks like you are getting wrinkles around your eyes and what face cream are you using these days and for crying out loud are you really still biting your nails like that.

  The only proper way to cut and eat one’s food is to hold the knife and fork in a relaxed, natural manner—never with clenched fists spearing food like a hunter!

  Wait until all the plates and glasses have been cleared before attempting to make a getaway. Press your hand in his under the table and feel the cool smoothness of his skin, the slight indentation in his fourth finger where the ring usually sits so tightly. Hear the whish of wind threatening the thin walls, and think about Weekend In Bermuda. As he makes a sweeping comment about what a nice house they have here, see only the scarred, peeling walls marked from years of nails and thumb tacks, the unreliable generator downstairs, the worn fabric in the middle of the recliner where your father parks it every night. It’s just what happens when something stays somewhere too long.

  THE ETIQUETTE OF OBESITY

  Preface — Origins and Anniversaries

  Remember you were put on this Great Gre
en Earth for a reason, your father said, and the animals were put on this Great Green Earth for your nourishment and for nothing else.

  Hunting is not a game, he used to tell you, handing you a rifle almost as big as you. It is Serious Business. Never point a rifle at any animal unless you intend to shoot. Sit in the woods, the cold, cold woods, for hours, in silence, waiting. This is bonding time, he would say.

  Accept this is not for you, even if your father never does.

  Later, after he is gone, each year on opening day of deer season, take the day off work. Hole up in your bedroom with your Xbox 360 and a big bag of beef jerky. Drink Budweiser from the can and each time you open one toast to your father.

  Appendix III: The Natural Habitats of Predators

  1. Crowded buses

  Fear of suffocation plus motion sickness plus the oppressive heat equals disaster for this quick public transportation option. Walk if you can (See Chapter 20: Exercise!) or just drive and spend the extra few dollars at the parking meter when you need to see your doctor.

  2. School playgrounds

  Remember the Golden Rule: Children are mean. Avoid walking by this dangerous area. Taunts such as “Chubby Checker,” “Hey Fat Man,” “Lard Ass,” while not generally acceptable around adults, become a free-for-all when these horrible disease sacs herd in groups and are not under constant supervision.

  3. Your mother’s house

  Hostile territory, especially around holidays when she’s been “slaving away for days for you people and no one appreciates any of it.” Slabs of juicy turkey, butter-laden cookies and greasy fried chicken make this a particularly perilous journey.

  4. Airplanes

  Get an aisle seat if you must go to Florida to see Uncle Ernie, who might pass any day now, but even then you feel boxed up, squeezed in, and your bad knee starts to throb just an hour into the flight. Remember it’s not polite to lift the armrest between you and a stranger. Even so, the woman sitting beside you will most likely shift over toward the window, unwilling to touch, her eyes darting away like those deer your father tried to shoot. It’s always so automatic in people, like a sea parting, everyone always so quick to step aside, shift away, outwards, leaving, departing, spiraling.

  On Going Out to Eat

  Never point a knife or fork at a piece of meat unless you intend to use it.

  It is best to plan ahead. You can say, “I will order a salad.” But then you may get there and find the salads have mushrooms on them. Then you will want a cheese steak with grilled onions and peppers and those amazing steak fries the restaurant has. Order it, but swear to yourself you will stop at half, you will only eat just a few of those fries.

  It’s ok, you’ll work out tomorrow.

  At the buffet, it is polite to yield to other hunters. If you see that another hunter already has a specific piece of meat in his sights, let him have it. Respect your peers.

  Understand that not everyone hunts, and some people find the idea disgusting. You should not stop hunting, but you should exercise discretion when handling and transporting the carcass of a kill. Wrap in a napkin, push to the side of your plate. Don’t pick your teeth.

  XX. Exercise

  Let’s be frank: exercise sucks. Forget running a mile or doing push-ups when you get winded climbing the three flights of stairs to your apartment.

  DO sweat the small stuff—walk uphill to the mailbox, vacuum your place each week, park in the farthest spot at the grocery store next to all the shopping carts. Do not complain about the heat in your office during the winter—sweating loses water weight!

  Perhaps the best form of exercise is walking a dog. Owning a pet is one of the most satisfying decisions you will ever make, despite what your father always said about how animals should not be allowed in the house. (See Index, footnote #32).

  On Dating

  Try online sites like Match.com. Create a profile as honest and true to yourself as possible—mention things like your love of books and plays, your bachelor’s degree in communications, the one time you went horseback riding (even though you hated it). Post a current photo, not one from seven years ago that makes you look kind of buff. It is important to Put Your Best Foot Forward, but not be deceptive.

  Analyze your best assets and Get Out Into the World. Try community theater. Some roles: lead chorus, juggler number 4, barbershop owner. There are plenty of people that make it—celebrities like Danny DiVito, Dom Delouise, John Candy, that girl from the Precious movie that everyone loved. As your father used to say, America is the Land of Opportunity—dreams can happen.

  Footnote #32

  On Dog Parks — Off-leash dog parks are wonderful places for your pet to explore and play. At first your dog might hover along the edges, nervous, watchful, shy. But if after a few weeks he starts to gain confidence, smile cautiously at the woman with the black lumbering dog that your dog takes a liking to. Say, “Is it ok if they play together?” and when she nods, let your dog off the leash even though it makes you nervous.

  When your legs tire of standing, sit on the park bench but do not let your dog out of your sight. Unwrap the package of powdered donuts you brought—five tiny perfect white powdered circles of fried dough. Eat them one by one, slowly, enjoying every moment of flavor bursts.

  The lady with the black dog may come over. Do not hog the park bench! You will expect her to sit on the other edge as far away from you as possible, so try not to be surprised when she sits down right next to you.

  For opening conversation starters, try these: “Lovely weather we’ve been having” or “Aren’t those flowers pretty?” or “What kind of dog do you have?” Do not stare directly into her eyes, no matter how blue and mesmerizing you may find them, but don’t avoid eye contact either—it makes you look shifty. Remember that time you went horseback riding—how scared you were up so high, how out of control you felt—remember it now, and take a deep breath. Offer her one of your donuts if you still have some left, and when she looks at you, really looks at you for the first time, breathe out, your chest expanding, and watch in amazement as she leans in, not out, as she brushes a bit of white powder from your lips and smiles.

  THE ETIQUETTE OF INFERTILITY

  XVII. Navigating Children’s Birthday Parties

  It is natural to hate everyone and everything, especially on these hormone supplements. There will be hats. Lots of silly hats. Pointed paper hats with flimsy elastic strings that tug unflatteringly against chins. Tempted to snap the string? Don’t. It’s painful.

  Yes, perhaps it is ridiculous to spend $300 on a two-year-old’s birthday cake, but this is not for you to judge. “She’ll have the pictures,” you can say, or assure politely, “It’s the most beautiful chocolate Big Bird I’ve ever seen,” and then eat a large hunk from the middle.

  When dealing with the other moms, breathe deep. If it helps, imagine a happy place—drift off to early morning fall, the smell of cinnamon and raked leaves, a hot cup of Earl Grey tea. Remember: The Grass is Greener on the Other Side! While you are envying their solid, swift movements, their talent for breaking up temper tantrums and wiping spit, they will walk up behind you and squeeze your waist. They will say, “You are so tiny!” and you should smile and laugh and squeeze your fists.

  VIII. Listening to Your Body

  Pay attention to every cramp, twist, stomach pain, nausea, food craving, exhaustion. Attune to it like a safecracker, analyzing, listening, hoping for the right combination.

  Chart temperatures on a graph more elaborate than the ones you find on GRE tests, measure the elasticity of body fluids, drink products with names like Fertilitea, read your own Tarot cards. Yes, you really are squatting on the bathroom floor with your fingers up there searching for the position of your uterus, and while you’re down there remind yourself to call someone about that cracked tile behind the toilet.

  Count numbers, learn to add and subtract in your mind like you didn’t fail 10th grade algebra. Everything is a cycle—your body, the months, the years, s
pinning endlessly like the wheel of your bicycle hanging unused for seasons on the garage wall.

  Collect coupons for pregnancy tests. Clip them out carefully, staying along the dotted lines, and sort them in with the other Drug Items in your little file folder. Buy enough pee sticks to keep the company in business, but when your husband starts to seem agitated, when he sighs in that way he does when he thinks you’ve gone on too long about something, begin to squirrel them away in places he would never look. Good examples of this are these: buried inside your yarn basket, shoved in with the tampons, behind the boxes of fiber bars in the pantry.

  From Glossary of Terms

  P.P. present (Paperwork Parent Present): (circa 1990, Philadelphia, PA) Term coined by your freshman college roommate Jessie, Chinese American, tall, thin, dark-haired girl with a penchant for yoga pants and belly shirts, a girl who’d been adopted by a middle class New Jersey couple that you always thought were nice but smelled like wet dog. The couple lavished expensive presents on Jessie and took her on fabulous vacations. Usage example: “Check out the Tiffany bracelet I got for passing that chem exam. Total P.P present.”

  Hot Meat Injection: Term first heard coming from the mouth of boyfriend in college as a way to “turn you on” and “suggest amorous activity.” Usage example: “Ok baby, are you ready for a Hot Meat Injection?” The same boyfriend who, after you both woke from a night of particularly hard drinking, insisted you take three birth control pills just in case, even though it made you throw up and you still suspect that maybe that one act messed up everything forever.